dearly beloved
by binaryShenanigans
Summary: kairi and riku talk about boys, and why maybe boys are a difficult topic for riku.


"... So why did you decide to step aside for me, after I told you not to?"

The question got Riku right in the gut, and he promised himself he wasn't going to feel bad today. He knew Sora would be back someday soon. He always made it back when his friends needed him, so there was no need to worry about him.

With a sigh tumbling out of his teeth, it took him a moment to be able to look his other best friend in the eyes. It had been a long while since Riku and Kairi were able to just... Talk like this.

"Because I knew he likes you," Riku muttered, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "It's just the right thing to do, right? To roll over and not make any trouble."

Kairi chuckled, but her brows were furrowed.

"You think I'd roll over if I thought he didn't like me? C'mon... I'd at least wanna try getting his interest somehow," she said, and then when she noticed the put-off look on Riku's face, she added "Not in a weird way! I don't like fighting over stuff like that. Just, y'know... Presents, hanging out together, long walks on the beach, stuff like that."

Riku never understood the strength in Kairi's heart, and when he realized the emotion gripping his own as she spoke was shame, he worried he never would. Why did she get to feel so confident in her own skin, and meanwhile, every time Riku so much as glanced at Sora, he felt like some hulking monster?

"... 'Cause I thought you would do the same, you know?" Kairi said, tilting her head in Riku's direction, pouting a little. "But... You just stepped aside and didn't even tell me. I thought we were gonna have a fun rivalry for a while!"

Riku chuckled, shaking his head. "You're such a girl sometimes."

Looking unamused, Kairi simply said, "I'm not a girl sometimes, I'm a girl all the time. And this is how girls love to fight!" She held up her fists playfully, going on, "Showing off our stuff for the guy we like, seeing who comes out on top - and always making up by the end of the day, no matter what happens."

Kairi spoke theoretically, of course. She'd never liked a boy other than Sora, she'd never fought over him, and her idea of romance and friendship came equally from her experiences on the Destiny Islands, and from shoujo manga.

"But..." Kairi said, dropping her hands and looking down at her lap. "You never fought back. Whenever I'd try and get some alone time with Sora, you just..."

It made Kairi sad, remembering the way Riku used to hang out so much by himself. He always seemed so cool and above-it-all, but now that she was older, she couldn't help but see it as a way to escape the growing bond between Sora and Kairi - the bond that would leave him behind.

Even more disturbed by Riku's silence, Kairi glanced up at him, flinching slightly. "Was I... Doing something bad, and didn't even realize it? I'm sorry, Riku."

At that, Riku found the strength to answer.

"Kairi," he said, watching the dying sun across the water, "I don't want you to ever feel ashamed of trying to get something you want. There's nothing wrong with it, and you were never being mean about it. The choice I made is mine alone to wrestle with, I just..." He looked away, at the bend of the tree they were seated on. "I have a hard time thinking everything I'm doing and feeling is normal. 'Cause I'm a guy."

Kairi crossed her arms over her stomach and said, "That shouldn't matter."

"But it does."

"But it shouldn't!"

"I know," said Riku, looking a little ashamed of himself, "But it does. It makes everything different when you're a girl. You're meant to be with him, and I'm not meant to be anything."

Kairi had... Never heard Riku speak so earnestly about his sexuality before. It was humbling to watch, and all she wanted to do was listen, and learn more about her best friend.

He sighed, running one hand through his hair. "Back when we were kids," said the 17 year old, "Everything seemed to make more sense. I thought I was gonna be your knight one day, and... I didn't really know what was supposed to come after that, but I knew that that's what was supposed to happen."

"It wasn't supposed to happen," said Kairi, placing one hand over Riku's arm, "You didn't have to be anything but who you wanted to be."

That just made Riku feel worse, like he never had a chance at being something so radiant, so destined, so normal, as a girl's protector. He went on anyway, stuffing down those feelings, "But then I realized, I wanted to be Sora's knight, too. And I wasn't satisfied just assuming whatever happened next was meant to happen, I wanted to - see it for myself. You know? I wanted to build what happened next with my own hands... But — I guess I didn't want to do anything back then. I wasn't as aware as I sound now, I think I just didn't wanna think about it. And then me and Sora were enemies, and... That was easy. There was nothing hard about being a jerk to him, it made the pain easier to deal with - sure, it sucked hurting his feelings, but... I was sparing my own feelings."

Sometimes Riku missed when things were so simple.

Kairi said, "I... Never realized this was so confusing for you." But on some level, she thought - maybe she did. As much as she likes to say that everything was fine, and Riku had no reason to feel guilty or ashamed of his feelings, who were all the fairy tales about again? Who were all the songs, the books, the movies, the comics, the video games about?

Boys and girls, not boys and boys... No wonder Riku felt like he didn't even exist.

Riku smiled bitterly. "That's why I stepped aside for you. 'Cause it isn't painful for you, and it isn't painful for him, and every time I even think about his smile, I feel like... I'm not even a person. I'm this... Thing that's taking advantage of him somehow."

"That's not true!" Kairi suddenly gasped, and Riku stared at her, somewhat bug-eyed. She went on, "Riku... You're a person, and you're one of the best people I've ever met! You're not a monster or a thing, you're a sensitive guy with feelings like anybody else. I know this might not mean much coming from me, but you liking a guy is totally okay, and normal! Uh... Maybe. Not everyone sees it that way, but they're stupid anyway, right?"

Riku realized Kairi was trying her best, but this attempt was kind of silly. How could she understand how she felt?

And then, holding her hands up to her chest with that determined look on her face, she said, "You deserve all the alone time and walks with Sora in the world, and you're not creepy for wanting them! So when he comes back, I want you to start taking them, okay? You deserve as much of a chance with him as I do!"

Riku could only blink for a moment, and bury his face in Kairi's shoulder.

He only started letting some of those long pent-up tears out when she whispered in his ear that it was okay to.


End file.
